Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Honesty & Guilt

I have been struggling on posting this or not, but I love and trust all my readers and believe I should always try to be honest.
Over the past few months, I have been told a lot that knowing and meeting Aiden was a blessing and a miracle.  I have always thought and felt that way but suddenly the last few times I have been told that I actually got a little mad and I really hate to admit it (that is where the guilt comes in) but I did.  Only because I was thinking the whole time, I would rather him be here with me than be a blessing and/or a miracle.  I hate having those thoughts but it's the natural instinct of being a mom and wanting her child with her. 
All this being said, Aiden is a blessing and a miracle and I am so glad I was blessed to be his mother, that I would not trade for anything. 
I guess the devil is trying to get in my head and I don't like it one bit.  He is the one who took Aiden from me and God is the one who graced me with Aiden's life, even if for a short time. 
Hope you don't mind the ramblings and thank you for listening!


Every good and perfect gift is from above
James 1:17

24 comments:

Nic said...

I don't think you should feel guilty for having those feelings. I hate when then devil plays with my feeling and thoughts! So thankful to serve a all knowing awesome God! Thanks for your honesty!

Kelly said...

It must be difficult to deal with all of this. You should not feel guilty, but I'm sure the guilt is a very normal feeling.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Casey said...

You should in no way feel guilty at all. I couldn't imagine going through what you and loosing a child. Thank you for sharing this and being so open and honest

Leiah said...

I don't think it's wrong to feel guilty. There is no timetable for grief and if anyone says there is they are wrong - pure and simple. Heather Spohr (thespohrsaremultiplying.com) has been expressing the exact thoughts. It's coming up on the one-year mark of her daughter Maddie's death and even though she has a newborn to hold and love, her arms are aching for her Maddie. I send you wishes for peace.

Christi said...

Ashley I know first hand exactly how you are feeling and have dealt with the same frustrations and emotions. I think that people really just don't know what to say to mothers like us. They think they are saying the right things and have good intentions, but all we know is we want our babies! I even had a person make the comment that "isn't it a relief or burden lifted?" At that time, I think I may have turned red, and grew horns! Your son, just like mine is a blessing and a miracle, and we were so amazingly blessed that God chose us to be their mothers! Thanks for sharing Ashley!

Crayon Princess said...

I am hurting for you, and I just cannot imagine. I keep typing and deleting, but the thing I know to say is: I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

Crayon Princess said...

I am hurting for you, and I just cannot imagine. I keep typing and deleting, but the thing I know to say is: I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

Crayon Princess said...

I am hurting for you, and I just cannot imagine. I keep typing and deleting, but the thing I know to say is: I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

Crayon Princess said...

I am hurting for you, and I just cannot imagine. I keep typing and deleting, but the thing I know to say is: I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

Crayon Princess said...

I am hurting for you, and I just cannot imagine. I keep typing and deleting, but the thing I know to say is: I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

Crayon Princess said...

I am hurting for you, and I just cannot imagine. I keep typing and deleting, but the thing I know to say is: I will keep your whole family in my prayers.

Crayon Princess said...

I am sooooo sorry. I really didn't mean to post that a million times!

Shannon said...

My heart is breaking for you, sweet girl! I truly am speechless. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care! Hugs!

Sweet Tea and Biscuits said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers as always. I don't even begin to know what to say except that I don't know what to say - I think sometimes it is best to just know you have people who care and that you can lean on , who will listen without trying to give advice. You are such a godly woman and I know God is surrounding and comforting you in a way that only he can.

Beth Dunn said...

I'd feel the exact same way. You are perfect and normal for feeling this way. In fact, after reading this. I feel the SAME way.
You are so strong. And there is not a piece of you that is possessed by the devil.
xoxo
SC

The Flirty Lasso said...

Ashley,
you and your family are in my prayers ... my new online friend. Your special angel is with our loving Father in heaven. God Bless You.

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

i wouldn't let that guilt bother you..it's ur emotions going on and off again.
i know ur pain must be so huge getting to hold that precious angel only to have to let him go again...it's like 'hey God i'm not finished yet'
thanks for sharing...

sometimes the only thing i wanted to hear was 'i'm sorry' and not 'think of how blessed you are w/what you have' and i had guilt for that too

have a blessed weekend friend!

~SHANNON~ said...

I think your having a very normal emotion, and you should try to be gentle with yourself. This must be such a tough situation- you and your family are in my prayers. Hugs.

Shannon
http://milkandcuddles.com/

joeandbridge said...

Hi there! Stopping in to be your newest follower from Friday Follow! Hope you can swing by mine!
Happy Easter!

Bridgette Groschen
The Groschen Goblins
www.groschengoblins.com

Diary of a Diva Mom said...

I understand your feelings completely, and I don't think you should feel guilty at all. I lost two boys a few years ago and I still wish they were here to, but venting helps and time will heal you but you will always love your children and miss them as if they were with you for a lifetime, and that's okay, that is a mothers heart.

Iva said...

I am so so sorry.You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is incredibly difficult. Please stay as strong as you can. A day at a time.

Mom of Many said...

I think if you've ever lost a child, you've probably had thoughts like those. We are human and flesh. God understands that and He understands the parts of you that want your baby here with you. Thankfully we have hope in that one day we will be reunited with our children that have already gone on and met Jesus. Hugs...

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

I cannot even imagine what you have gone through and are going through! Your sweet family is always in my prayers!

Holly said...

It's natural for us to want our children here with us instead of being anywhere else. Of course you know how much of a blessing or a miracle he is, but it can be tiring hearing it from others. Sometimes you just get tired of hearing platitudes.

I have no doubt that the devil tries to use things against us. He'll use any tactic he can.