Monday, March 15, 2010

Geneticist Answers

I did not post about this before now but hubby and I went to see a Geneticist last week to hopefully get some answers about possible future pregnancies.  It took several months to get an appointment and once we did they sent a small book of questions that had to be answered in regards to medical history going back to our great grandparents - lots I did not know but luckily parents and their siblings did. 
We went to the appointment not knowing what to expect or what we would be doing, after waiting for an hour to go back we finally went in.  The Geneticist was very nice and asked questions, looked at our history, and created a chart of that history.  After everything was said and done, she explained that our chances had increased by 1/2 - 1 1/2 % or 1 in 164 that we would have a Trisomy baby.  This was something we already knew but hoped she would tell us something, anything. But she couldn't, there is no rhyme or reason, no secret food and/or drink that was consumer or not consumed, nothing absolutely nothing we could have done differently. 
To be honest, I really wanted her to tell me because of some medical history who I could blame, but she didn't, I wanted her to tell me I did/ate/drank something wrong, but she wouldn't, i wanted definite answers but she couldn't.  I wanted someone/something to blame but the only I can blame is the DEVIL.  The one person who wants to do anything in his power to turn us away from God, I'm not giving him that power.  God gave me my Miracle, even if for a short time, I heard his heartbeat, I felt the few kicks/moves that I could feel, I held him in my arms, and I love him for eternity.  The devil cane never take that away. 

NOW - to decide whether we want to possibly try again or possibly adopt.  Shane & I have talked even before we married about adopting, that is something we have always wanted to do but I don't know if that is now.  I explained it to Shane, it's like the devil said this is it and took Aiden from me and I want to prove him wrong knowing God will take care of things and it's not the devil who has a decision in when I'm finished.  Go ahead and say it my direction of thoughts is crazy sometimes but it's the final result that matters - right?!  God is in control and He will let us know where our path will lead. 

Anyway, that is where we are - no different than before - right now we are happy being Hunter, Mason, and Aiden's parents.

One piece of advice to give anyone who has a family member or friend that has lost a pregnancy, baby, or child please, please don't say the following:
1.  maybe it wasn't meant to be
2.  are you going to try again
3.  maybe you will get that boy/girl next time

I understand people mean well but if you only realized how much that hurts - the pregnancy, baby, or child was/is just as important to us as any other. 

He hath made His wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD
is gracious and full of compassion.

Psalm 111:4

14 comments:

Leiah said...

Heather Spohr, Maddie's mom, posted this the other day and I think every person in the world should see it. I lost a baby when I was almost 5 months pregnant. Even though I had never met or held my child, I still had pinned hopes & dreams on them and people said what they thought was the right thing to say but it seemed so cruel. Here is Heather's post. So wonderfully said! http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/2010/03/what-do-you-say

Kristen said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that you didn't/couldn't get the definite answers that you wanted. I pray that God be with you and your family, and that he shows you exactly what He wants for your family.

Casey said...

This post made me cry. I am so sorry you weren't able to get the answers you were looking for. Thank you for posting the things not to say to someone who lost a baby. I had a miscarriage in Dec. of 07 where I went through contractions and saw my baby and it was the most difficult time ever. Some of the questions I got made it worse.

We are currently in the deciding to have more children naturally or adopt due to an illness i have that I can pass down to the baby.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am praying for you and your family. I have faith in God and I know he will lead you down the right path. Praying for you

The Ross Family said...

I pray for guidance and wisdom for you all - as you decide if you want to adopt. I wish it was so easy to get the answers to all the why's people have. Lifting you up to God!

P.S. Your children are all so beautiful! xoxoxo

Sweet Tea and Biscuits said...

Sorry you didn;t get the answers you wanted from the doctor but it sounds like every day is pulling you closer to God in a new way. I went to a Beth Moore conference once in which she said we had to stomp the devil with our faith in God and use the bible's words as our defense. Girl, you are stommpin' and stommpin' . God for sure is directing your path and I am 100% with you on the "what not to say" to someone. Keep stommpin' girl -We are with you all the way :)

Nikki said...

I can't even imagine the pain that you feel. So, I will just say this - of course it was meant to be. All our children are on loan from God, we only pray that it's a long term.

Because of a health condition, I can't have another child. But, we are contemplating adoption as well. I will pray for God to give you guidance and wisdom through your decision making.

southerninspiration said...

Oh what a treasure to read of your faithfulness in the most difficult of times, and also a joy to know that you are praying for MY loved ones. Thanks so much for your encouragment. We have a friend here who also had a trisomy baby; I can sort of begin to understand how you must have felt; but then I have not been through anything so difficult. It looks maybe her baby and yours lived about the same length but I can't be sure. Their baby's name was Jase. I appreciate your transparency and encouragement you give to others!!

Southern Belle Mama said...

It's so hard in situations like this. Both of my children were born prematurely with absolutely no reason or predictors and I wanted answers. My husband and I have considered adoption too. I just pray that God will speak to us and lead us in the direction that is His will. You and your family are in my prayers.

Christi said...

The "please don't say's" really hit the nail on the head! I love reading your blog Ashley! I can say that God does give us mothers that peace that surpises understanding in these situations. God is good!

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

thanks for saying such sweet words on my blog!
I'm praying for y'all right now as you weigh your decisions!!
little does the devil realize that he is bringing us closer to God...not farther!! :o)

lindsey said...

Hey Ashley,

Still praying for you guys... I have never been in a situation like yours, so of course I do not know how you feel or that kind of pain, but I can say that I'm glad you said what you said at the end of your post. Encouragement is great, but advice/opinions/questions are not always beneficial because no one else, even someone with the exact same story on paper, knows how you, Ashley Bray, feels. Thank you for being so honest and for sharing your heart.

I just want to encourage you that God knows you have been faithful to Him, and He will continue to bless you big-time in return for that loyalty. And, I know He will give you a complete, perfect peace about EVERY step to come in your family!

P.S.: I help out at a wonderful adoption agency called Bethany Christian Services if you ever feel led to check them out. ...they have a website, www.bethany.org. Much love :)

Avery's Mommy said...

How can we put a man on the moon and not have answers? Sooo frustrating. I lost a baby at 20 wks and the 2nd stopped growing at 27 and NO ONE can tell me WHYYYY. Or that it won't happen again. Right now, I have no desire to be pregnant and I almost hope that doesn't change b/c the unknowns seem too scary. I love your thoughts about your trust in God though, to prove the devil wrong. Completely understand! I think we will adopt when we get ready again. I know that will be a whole other stressful experience, but I think that will have to be okay.

Sara said...

I have never been able to understand what motivates people to say those things you listed. Any time I hear about a situation like yours, the only thing that I ever think is, "I can't begin to imagine how you feel." That's it. & that's the truth! Maybe somebody who reads your blog will realize they've made that kind of comment before, & will maybe think before they unknowingly hurt somebody in the future by saying it!

Holly said...

I'm sorry you didn't get any more than what you already knew. We don't know why our baby girl had anencephaly. We can only guess it was a fluke.

I agree with you on the things not to say!