Honesty & Guilt

I have been struggling on posting this or not, but I love and trust all my readers and believe I should always try to be honest.
Over the past few months, I have been told a lot that knowing and meeting Aiden was a blessing and a miracle.  I have always thought and felt that way but suddenly the last few times I have been told that I actually got a little mad and I really hate to admit it (that is where the guilt comes in) but I did.  Only because I was thinking the whole time, I would rather him be here with me than be a blessing and/or a miracle.  I hate having those thoughts but it's the natural instinct of being a mom and wanting her child with her. 
All this being said, Aiden is a blessing and a miracle and I am so glad I was blessed to be his mother, that I would not trade for anything. 
I guess the devil is trying to get in my head and I don't like it one bit.  He is the one who took Aiden from me and God is the one who graced me with Aiden's life, even if for a short time. 
Hope you don't mind the ramblings and thank you for listening!

Every good and perfect gift is from above

James 1:17

Follow Me Friday

IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://thetrendytreehouse.blogspot.com/

Top 2 Tuesday

Top 2 Tuesday...things you cant live without!

Choosing only 2 things that you could not possibly live without, is that really possible . . .

1.  MY PHONE - Like everyone else (especially mommies that are multi tasking) it would have to be my phone - LG ENV3

This is a texting phone not one for surfing the web (you can but I don't like it), but it does keep me on track with a calendar and a tip calculator. 

2.  Dior Show Iconic Mascara - Oh, how I love this mascara, my hubby and boys have long, gorgeous lashes, hubby even has to trim them because they hit his sunglasses when he blinks (can you say NOT FAIR?!?!?!) but I have short, thin lashes, so this gives them length and fullness. 

                                         

Trisomy 18 Awareness Day - March 18, 2010

Today is National Trisomy 18 Awareness Day - as many of you are aware my sweet Aiden Mathew was diagnosed at 18 weeks gestation with Trisomy 18.  He was our third son and it was devastating to learn this.  I still remember lying on that table during the ultrasound waiting to find out if it was a boy or girl, then Tina, our ultrasound tech, said like the other 2 it is very obvious it is a boy.  Immediately my mind went to the old tv sitcom - My Three Sons.  It's amazing how quickly you find out the gender and start planning everything and in the next instant Tina has a look on her face and says he isn't flexing his hands like he should.  She looked more and sent her report to my doctor and said I needed to talk with him more it was probably something that could be fixed with surgery, she was being optimistic.  That afternoon, we saw my doctor and he said he was concerned it could be something more and that the High Risk doctor who only comes to NE Louisiana once a week would be there tomorrow and he wanted to make an appointment with him.
At that appointment, they performed another ultrasound and determined it looked like Trisomy 18 and wanted to do an Amnio to find out for sure.
I had never ever thought I would be laying there or going through something like this but I was.  We received the preliminary results and then the final results, everything came back positive for Trisomy 18.  I held out hope that it would be Mosaic or Partial, because those babies had a higher rate of survival, but we would not know that until Aiden was born.
Over the next few months, life was strained, hopeful, faithful, and chaotic, I planned it like this was any other normal pregnancy with thoughts of what would I do with his room if I could not bring him home always lingering in my head.  I felt him move very little but we had a heart monitor at home so I could listen to his heartbeat every night, I loved that sweet swooshing sound. 
During the last few appointments it was determined that Aiden was not gaining weight and if he was to have any chance he needed to be born sooner than later.  My doctor was afraid I would not get to meet him and he knew how much I wanted that.  So on Nov. 6, they performed a C-section because he was breech and delivery would also put undue stress/strain on his little body.  My sweet little angel was finally allowed to come home for his final days on Dec. 2, and on Dec. 8, he went to home to Heaven.  I held him and watched him take his final breaths, it was a bitter sweet moment.
I, at least, got to meet, hold, and love my sweet Aiden, many get their wings before they are born.

Trisomy 18 does not discriminate and shows no compassion.  So please say a prayer for those families that you know and those you don't that have a child in their arms or in heaven.

For more information - Trisomy18.org or SOFT.

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;

I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.

Psalm 52:8

Geneticist Answers

I did not post about this before now but hubby and I went to see a Geneticist last week to hopefully get some answers about possible future pregnancies.  It took several months to get an appointment and once we did they sent a small book of questions that had to be answered in regards to medical history going back to our great grandparents - lots I did not know but luckily parents and their siblings did. 
We went to the appointment not knowing what to expect or what we would be doing, after waiting for an hour to go back we finally went in.  The Geneticist was very nice and asked questions, looked at our history, and created a chart of that history.  After everything was said and done, she explained that our chances had increased by 1/2 - 1 1/2 % or 1 in 164 that we would have a Trisomy baby.  This was something we already knew but hoped she would tell us something, anything. But she couldn't, there is no rhyme or reason, no secret food and/or drink that was consumer or not consumed, nothing absolutely nothing we could have done differently. 
To be honest, I really wanted her to tell me because of some medical history who I could blame, but she didn't, I wanted her to tell me I did/ate/drank something wrong, but she wouldn't, i wanted definite answers but she couldn't.  I wanted someone/something to blame but the only I can blame is the DEVIL.  The one person who wants to do anything in his power to turn us away from God, I'm not giving him that power.  God gave me my Miracle, even if for a short time, I heard his heartbeat, I felt the few kicks/moves that I could feel, I held him in my arms, and I love him for eternity.  The devil cane never take that away. 

NOW - to decide whether we want to possibly try again or possibly adopt.  Shane & I have talked even before we married about adopting, that is something we have always wanted to do but I don't know if that is now.  I explained it to Shane, it's like the devil said this is it and took Aiden from me and I want to prove him wrong knowing God will take care of things and it's not the devil who has a decision in when I'm finished.  Go ahead and say it my direction of thoughts is crazy sometimes but it's the final result that matters - right?!  God is in control and He will let us know where our path will lead. 

Anyway, that is where we are - no different than before - right now we are happy being Hunter, Mason, and Aiden's parents.

One piece of advice to give anyone who has a family member or friend that has lost a pregnancy, baby, or child please, please don't say the following:
1.  maybe it wasn't meant to be
2.  are you going to try again
3.  maybe you will get that boy/girl next time

I understand people mean well but if you only realized how much that hurts - the pregnancy, baby, or child was/is just as important to us as any other. 

He hath made His wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD

is gracious and full of compassion.

Psalm 111:4

UPDATES on Prayers & Help

UPDATES - Prayers & Help

I should have posted this earlier but as many of you may know this was very close to home for me - Layla Grace - this sweet little girl earned her Angel Wings on March 9, 2010 after battling Stage 2 Neuroblastoma. Please pray for her family as they learn each day anew without their little girl. Holding your child while they take their last breath is amazing and something that should never happen. I can remember nothing else about the day that my little Aiden died except holding him and those last 2 breaths. Knowing my angel is in God's arms now is the only thing that gets me through some days. Someone once told me that no matter how many times you have experienced holidays, shopping, everyday tasks, they will all be firsts again and it is so true.

One of my blog friends is needing prayers, Nic has had a rash and burning sensations as well as purple feet and elevated pulse. She needs prayers for healing and getting diagnosis/treatment.  SHE IS WEARING A HEART MONITOR AND IS ALSO GOING TO A DERMATOLOGIST ON TUESDAY.

Another blog friend, Southern Inspiration's friend Mary has fought breast cancer and recently had a stroke and is having multiple seizures. WAITING ON HER MRI RESULTS.

Stephanie and Steven who lost their baby before they got to know her - Carried Through Grief

NEW - Casey is currently battling late stage lyme disease and my symptoms are really bad right now and she is in a lot of physical pain. You can read more here http://mylymediary.blogspot.com/ or on her regular blog.
I know I am missing several others that need prayers, please let me know so that I can update this list.


NOW - HELP IS NEEDED FOR A VERY SPECIAL LITTLE BOY

Evan is a very little boy who needs "cosmetic" surgery (as the insurance companies call it) to restore his ears. His mother's insurance will not pay for the surgery because they say it is not necessary but cosmetic. How can they do that to anyone?! Please read the newspaper article about little Evan and his mother, Angela, who is Advocate and Voice. She is also working with Cedars-Sinai to receive any available discounts on Evan's procedure, estimated to cost more than $80,000 and they are having to pay for it out of their pockets so anything you can offer them is greatly appreciated. - ANGELA IS POSSIBLY LOOKING INTO PAYPAL ACCOUNT BUT ANYONE CAN SEND DONATIONS TO:
     ANGELA HOLLEY
     817 NEW NATCHITOCHES ROAD
     WEST MONROE, LA  71292

Prayers & Help

Does it seem like somedays prayers are needed more than others?  Today has been one of those days. . .

I should have posted this earlier but as many of you may know this was very close to home for me - Layla Grace - this sweet little girl earned her Angel Wings on March 9, 2010 after battling Stage 2 Neuroblastoma.  Please pray for her family as they learn each day anew without their little girl.  Holding your child while they take their last breath is amazing and something that should never happen.  I can remember nothing else about the day that my little Aiden died except holding him and those last 2 breaths.  Knowing my angel is in God's arms now is the only thing that gets me through some days.  Someone once told me that no matter how many times you have experienced holidays, shopping, everyday tasks, they will all be firsts again and it is so true. 

One of my blog friends is needing prayers, Nic has had a rash and burning sensations as well as purple feet and elevated pulse.  She needs prayers for healing and getting diagnosis/treatment.

Another blog friend, Southern Inspiration's friend Mary has fought breast cancer and recently had a stroke and is having multiple seizures.

Stephanie and Steven who lost their baby before they got to know her - Carried Through Grief

I know I am missing several others that need prayers, please let me know so that I can update this list. 

NOW - HELP IS NEEDED FOR A VERY SPECIAL LITTLE BOY

Evan is a very little boy who needs "cosmetic" surgery (as the insurance companies call it) to restore his ears.  His mother's insurance will not pay for the surgery because they say it is not necessary but cosmetic.  How can they do that to anyone?!  Please read the newspaper article about little Evan and his mother, Angela, who is Advocate and Voice.  She is also working with Cedars-Sinai to receive any available discounts on Evan's procedure, estimated to cost more than $80,000 and they are having to pay for it out of their pockets so anything you can offer them is greatly appreciated.

I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me.

Isaiah 45:5

Follow Me Friday

I LOVE FOLLOW ME FRIDAY - IT IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET NEW PEOPLE AND FIND BLOGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE SEEN BEFORE.  HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYS.

Giveaways Galore

There are so many great giveaways right now - Check out any of these.  I use to think why enter I will never win but I have won 3 fabulous prizes.  Enter one or enter them all.

Get Together Ideas - a signature red and white newborn polka dot pixies hat -  Deusprovidebit

Half Baked - $50 Gift Certificate to PlatesandNapkins.com

The Suburban Jungle - Each person that's selected will receive (1) Duracell Coppertop AAA 12-pack and (1) Duracell Coppertop AA 12-pack

Thanks, Mail Carrier - $25 Gift Certificate or Minky Blankie from The Chic Monkey

Thanks, Mail Carrier - Great Big Outdoor Playball AND Electric Pump of their own from Hearthsong

Craftaholics Anonymous - $40 Gift Certificate to Cap Creations

It's the Little Things - $50 Gift Certificate to Dimples & Dandelions

3 Kids & Us - Birthday Prize Pack from WiltonGIVEAWAY


One (1) lucky reader will receive a birthday prize pack from Wilton so big we couldn’t even show you everything. Some of the Wilton products included: 2 – 8 in square cake pans from the new Ultragold Collection, 1 – 12 cup cupcake pan, decorating supplies for a Jungle Pals theme, Big Top theme, Celebration theme, Princess theme, Sweet Dots theme, Wheels theme, assorted sugar sprinkles, baking cups, sparkle gels and more!

ALRIGHT LADIES - IS THAT ENOUGH GIVEAWAYS FOR ONE DAY - NOW GET OUT THERE AND ENTER.  CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHO WINS! 

Prayers for Layla Grace

I love reading other peoples' blogs and seeing who they love to read, a few weeks ago through Southern Mommas I became SM/blog friends with Christi, she lost her little boy to Stage 4 Neuroblastoma in Dec. 2004.  Through her blog she has asked for prayers for this sweet 2 year old little girl Layla Grace, who was also diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma, she is in the final days of her battle.  Her family desperately needs prayers, love, and support through this very trying time. 

Today, it has been 3 months since Aiden went to Heaven and this is hitting so close to home.  Please lift this little angel in your prayers today and pass this on. 

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;

not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27

You must see this. . .

Have you entered and if not you must - go to Our Creative Life - she is giving away a $200 gift certificate for a custom rug.  We have wood floors in our bedroom and dear hubby wants a rug (or at least one for his side of the bed) so his little toesies don't get cold.  I want the zebra with black trim or vice versa - can't decide. 

Go see for yourself - Our Creative Life

More Awards

I'm a little late in posting these awards - Sorry Surviving Little People - I love to know that people read my blog and enjoy reading about my craziness.

Thank You Surviving Little People for these awards.


Now it's my turn to pass this award on to other bloggers that I consider beautiful. But there are rules to follow!
1. Thank and link the person that gave you the award.
2. Pass this award onto 10 bloggers you’ve recently discovered and think are fantastic.
3. Contact the winners and let them know they’ve won.
4. State 7 things about yourself

So, here are 10 of my favorite blogs!

1. Providence

2. The Martin Family

3. The Boyett Family

4. Bee Vine

5. Dazzle Decor

6. Southern Soulmates

7. There is Life being the Wife

8. The Horton Family

9. The Webb Family

10. Fleming Fab 5


OK, 7 Things About Myself

1.  I LOVE God more and more each day. 

2.  I have 2 little boys in my heart and arms every day and 1 special little boy in my heart that I lost to Trisomy 18 on December 8, 2009.

3.  When my hubby finally proposed after 6 years of dating - I said NO NO NO!!!

4.  I love winter and cuddling on the sofa.

5.  I have the most amazing friends in the world, who stood by me, held my hand, hugged me, and cried with me over the last few months.

6. I am an organize freak, just ask anyone. 

7. I love the beach (I know it sounds crazy after #4 but I love the beach and warm weather)

I am a sucker for Giveaways! What about you . . .

I have been playing around and redesigning my blog lately and would love to win a design makeover or for one of my readers.  Hope everyone enjoys!

Blog Design Giveaway!

Blogaholic Designs is teaming up with Jady Day Studio to giveaway two custom blog designs! This is for blogger blogs only.

The two kits to be used

Springdipity

Safari Dreamin

How to enter

Go to Blogaholic Design and leave a post and also read about more ways to enter!!

When It ends

The deadline for entries is March 12th. The winner will be announced on Blogaholic Designs on March 13th.

Giveaway - The Undomestic Momma

Everybody loves a giveaway and here is a new one - check out The Undomestic Momma for a great jewelry giveaway.   There are several different ways to enter.

I think this is one of my favorites

I love giveaways - What about you???

Unsure about it . . .

I have not posted in 2 weeks and I really miss it but I have been very unsure lately.  In 4 days, my sweet Aiden should have been 4 months old and instead in 6 days, it has been 3 months since he went to Heaven.  My mind whirls around this and I'm at a complete loss, I know God is holding him in his arms but I should be holding him in mine.  I know I should not dwell on the should or could have beens but I can't help it.  I look at my older two boys and think what we are all missing by not having Aiden in our lives. 

And I'm having a hard time answering the question "How many children do you have?"  I have 3 boys, 2 I get to hold everyday and 1 I held for a very short time - too short. 

I know God has a plan even if I don't know it yet but it will be revealed in time.  For now I have to trust in Him and know that His Love surrounds me everyday. 

March is Trisomy Awareness Month, please say a prayer for all those who have babies in their arms or God's arms with this disorder. 

Restore us, O God Almighty; make Your face shine upon us...

Psalm 80:7