July 7, 2010 - So much has changed

yet everything is the same.  A year ago today, our lives changed forever.  You see a year ago today, we were told our sweet little Aiden (who was 18 weeks gestation) might have Trisomy 18.  We were so excited to go to the doctors and find out if we were having a boy or girl and never dreamed of what we would learn.
So many things have changed, we are now a family of 5 (4 in our house and 1 in our heart), we are missing one in our arms everyday.  We are the same because when people see us we are a family of 4 (a very special person they will never meet physically but I pray they meet through us).  Every night when Mason says his prayers he includes "Baby Aiden", that is how he will always be remembered and every night Hunter gives himself a little hug and says that is for "Baby Aiden".  They love him and miss him very much.

This past weekend, I played with a dear friend's baby that was born the day before Aiden.  I love seeing how much he has grown and changed, and knowing that is my little baby in heaven - laughing, smiling, happy, and healthy. 

I started writing Thank You notes last night, I realize it has been 7 months tomorrow since my sweet Aiden went to Heaven but I could not bring myself to do it.  But I wanted to, I needed to, I want everyone to know that everything they did, everything they gave, and everything they said meant very much to me and we have not forgotten.  We had and have so many amazing friends that gave selflessly of themselves and want them to know we LOVE them for that. 

Lately I have had memories of those special days that I had not remembered before and the emotions become so fresh again.  It's hard to believe that it has been 7 months since I last held him but other days it has been a lifetime. 

I cannot say our lives are better, they are better having known, held, and loved him but they are worse for not having in our arms daily, our lives are just different.  A very dear friend wrote on her blog today about the loss of her son and not feeling Angry - I agree.  I don't feel agry, what's the point, I feel hurt, sadness, I continue to ask Why? but not anger.  God gave me a precious gift and I will never be angry with Him.