Wednesday, July 07, 2010

July 7, 2010 - So much has changed

yet everything is the same.  A year ago today, our lives changed forever.  You see a year ago today, we were told our sweet little Aiden (who was 18 weeks gestation) might have Trisomy 18.  We were so excited to go to the doctors and find out if we were having a boy or girl and never dreamed of what we would learn.
So many things have changed, we are now a family of 5 (4 in our house and 1 in our heart), we are missing one in our arms everyday.  We are the same because when people see us we are a family of 4 (a very special person they will never meet physically but I pray they meet through us).  Every night when Mason says his prayers he includes "Baby Aiden", that is how he will always be remembered and every night Hunter gives himself a little hug and says that is for "Baby Aiden".  They love him and miss him very much.

This past weekend, I played with a dear friend's baby that was born the day before Aiden.  I love seeing how much he has grown and changed, and knowing that is my little baby in heaven - laughing, smiling, happy, and healthy. 

I started writing Thank You notes last night, I realize it has been 7 months tomorrow since my sweet Aiden went to Heaven but I could not bring myself to do it.  But I wanted to, I needed to, I want everyone to know that everything they did, everything they gave, and everything they said meant very much to me and we have not forgotten.  We had and have so many amazing friends that gave selflessly of themselves and want them to know we LOVE them for that. 

Lately I have had memories of those special days that I had not remembered before and the emotions become so fresh again.  It's hard to believe that it has been 7 months since I last held him but other days it has been a lifetime. 

I cannot say our lives are better, they are better having known, held, and loved him but they are worse for not having in our arms daily, our lives are just different.  A very dear friend wrote on her blog today about the loss of her son and not feeling Angry - I agree.  I don't feel agry, what's the point, I feel hurt, sadness, I continue to ask Why? but not anger.  God gave me a precious gift and I will never be angry with Him. 

17 comments:

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

maybe the thank you notes will be part of the healing process too!
big hugs friend!

Shannon said...

Though I cannot imagine your pain, my thoughts are with you and your family. Hugs!

Tina said...

Thank you for sharing. You and your family are in my prayers.

Mary said...

I can't imagine the pain and emptiness you must feel. Hugs and prayers going out to you and your family!

China said...

You are a very blessed woman indeed. And a very strong one. God bless. X

Carey said...

Friend,
I miss seeing you! We need to do lunch soon! I've had Aiden on my mind so much lately! I still have his precious picture on my fridge and he often makes me stop and think about all I have to be grateful for! Know that He is remembered and treasured by all that knew him!
I love you!

ashia said...

i just read this and i hope you're having a better day today. i don't know how to even imagine your pain, but know that i'm thinking of you and praying for you tonight! so glad that we have an awesome HOPE in Jesus!

lindsey said...

Ashley, you inspire me probably more than you realize. Your love for your children and devotion to the Lord is truly a blessing. Thinking about you and praying for you and your sweet family. Much love :).

Lori said...

Hard to believe, isn't it?? Seven months?? Especially when you are having fresh memories (me too) pop up.

But you are right...such a blessing, no matter how it ended, for the miracle of those little lives. Gifts of God without a doubt!
xoxoxo

Holly said...

D-Day. Ugh. Sending you (((hugs)))

The Simple Life said...

I left you a little something on my blog!

Kandi said...

what a heart-wrenching story. my heart goes out to you and your family at this time!

~ Crystal ~ said...

Found your blog on Southern Mommas. Can't wait to read more.

~ Crystal ~ said...

Found your blog on Southern Mommas. Can't wait to read more.

flip flops and pearls said...

Thanks for stopping by!

(((HUGS))) honey. I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we just can't understand why He allows these things to happen. I love your last sentence-

ps- email me at flipflopsandpearlsgirl.blogpsot AT com and I will dig up a link about a friend of mine who blogged the journal of her baby with T18 and what she has done since w/an organization she created in her memory.

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

So sorry for your loss! Love what you've been able to share here on your Blog and hope it helps you to heal! Love the pic of your 3 boys! Very special! Met you over on Southern Mommas! I'm an older "Diva" momma - my kids are 30 now. Stop in at my Chic Boutique for some shopping sometime! Have a beautiful day!

SoMo Mom said...

Your words are so touching... Take comfort in knowing you have a HUGE support system of mommies out here who are here when you need some girlfriend therapy.
Stephanie from www.southernmomentum.com