Friday, July 24, 2009

Final Test

The final results came in on Monday not last Friday as we had been told - test came back positive like the others. I had convinced myself that since we did not hear anything from the doctors on Friday was because the test came back completely different and the doctors did not know how to call and say they had made a mistake. I know crazy but Shane always tells me I'm nuts! so this proves it I guess. I mean how can they be right, I feel the kicks/moves during the day (not as much as the other 2 but I still feel them), we've seen the heartbeat, and none of it seems real, it all seems like a very bad dream but I have not woken up yet. I have 2 beautiful, healthy boys so I don't understand how this has happened and why we have been taken on this journey in our lives.

I go through the motions of the day, I started back to work on Monday and everything seems different but the same (if that makes sense). I'm angry at God and the world and want answers but nobody can give them to me. I have learned one important thing through my sweet hubby & dear friends - I have to talk, I have to let things out, which is not one of my strong suits.

We bought a fetal heart monitor so that when I don't feel movements we can check the heartbeat and get some peace. It has become my saving grace, just knowing that I can hear that glorious sound makes me feel at ease. Last night after having a bad day that is all I wanted is to hear that sweet sound. I laid down and Shane had the monitor, Mason (our 2 year old) came in asking "what is that?" (curious minds of a 2 year old). We both hesitated a moment and told him we were listening to the baby's heartbeat. He sat on the bed beside me and listened and of course he wanted to hold the monitor. He thinks my belly button is the portal to Aiden. Shane showed him where to put it and he listened quite intently and when he heard the sound he announced "that's Aiden's heart!" It's one of those sweet and sad moments in life. He was so excited he got to do it and figure it out. We sat there for a few minutes listening and then put it away. When we finished, Mason looked at my belly button and said "bye Aiden."

I want to share a few prayer verses that a very dear friend gave me, these are prayers that she and her family have been praying for Aiden and it is our prayers as well:

Father, you created Aiden. You formed him. you knit him inward parts in the womb. You alone know how to make what is right in his body. You alone know how to heal Aiden. As him creator, I pray that you would grant healing to Aiden. Let your power envelop him and bring the healing that is needed (Genesis 1:26; Psalm 139)

Father I ask in the name of Jesus for You to heal Aiden so that you might be glorified. Grant healing to Aiden so that people might praise You and honor you for your love, compassion, and power. (John 11:4, Acts 4:21)

Find rest, O my soul,in God alone; my Hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will be shaken. My salvation and my Honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:5-8)

Father, You are the Healer of the brokenhearted. You declare that You bind up their wounds. Because it is Your nature to heal, I ask You to heal all of my emotional wounds. By Your love and power, remove the hurt and anger that I am experiencing. Help me to move on to emotional wholeness. (Psalm 147:3)

Please continue to pray for healing of Aiden and give us Peace in God's decisions.

Sorry if I'm rambling but that is how my feelings come out right now - crazy & jumbled. Thanks for reading/listening.



Carey said...

Sweet Ashley,

Can I just say that I love you and continue to lift you up! I pray for strength and courage to face every moment of everyday. Your feelings seem completely alright to me..I imagine mine would be much the same. I praise the Lord for being you rock and peace and hope! May He be your Shield as you take refuge in Him.

Shellie Tomlinson said...

Oh, Ashely! Of course your thoughts are jumbled. I read your blog with tears in my eyes and pray your scriptures with faith in my heart! Bless you, bless your family, bless Aiden. I am so thankful that you know the Anchor of our souls.

lindsey said...

Hi Ashley,

I found your blog through Carey's, and I think I met you while helping with her shower last year. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for your family. I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I do pray that you are surrounded with encouragement and that the Holy Spirit will just fill you up with an indescribable peace that goes far above the understanding of everyone around you. I am often encouraged by the fact that His power is made perfect in weakness... He will prove Himself faithful! I will be agreeing with you guys in prayer and claiming the scriptures the Lord has laid on your heart to pray.

Much love,
Lindsey Martin

I lean on this verse so often for encouragement: Pslam 138:8 ..."The Lord WILL perfect what concerns you!"

Lea said...

Ashley, This is such a sweet blog entry and it shares the depth of your heart at this most difficult time. I continue to think of you and pray for you and your sweet family.

amy terral said...

Hey girl,

When you said that you were angry at God and the world, I just had to post here. I think that's okay! Our God is big enough to handle our anger, even if it's directed at him. When we lost our Amanda when I was 5 months pregnant, I remember being so angry that I closed myself up in my car and screamed as loud as I could at God. It was my first baby and the strongest desire of my heart! It wasn't until I was open and honest with him and myself that I was able to receive all the love and compassion that his waiting arms were ready to give me. Shortly after that, I sat at the bedside with two different friends as they each miscarried. They said they could not have done it if they had not walked it with me before. I know they would have been just fine, but it was confirmation to me that in the middle of my grief, God was preparing me to be strength for my friends. I will never begin to understand God's ways because I am simply human and they don't make sense to me. He is Sovereign and his ways are perfect. That is all I need to know. That is what has to be my comfort when nothing makes sense. So if you want to be angry, be angry, and when you get it all out, be ready to accept the peace that only he can give. There may or may not be understanding, but there will always be peace. It's waiting there for you and will carry you through.

love you,