The final results came in on Monday not last Friday as we had been told - test came back positive like the others. I had convinced myself that since we did not hear anything from the doctors on Friday was because the test came back completely different and the doctors did not know how to call and say they had made a mistake. I know crazy but Shane always tells me I'm nuts! so this proves it I guess. I mean how can they be right, I feel the kicks/moves during the day (not as much as the other 2 but I still feel them), we've seen the heartbeat, and none of it seems real, it all seems like a very bad dream but I have not woken up yet. I have 2 beautiful, healthy boys so I don't understand how this has happened and why we have been taken on this journey in our lives.
I go through the motions of the day, I started back to work on Monday and everything seems different but the same (if that makes sense). I'm angry at God and the world and want answers but nobody can give them to me. I have learned one important thing through my sweet hubby & dear friends - I have to talk, I have to let things out, which is not one of my strong suits.
We bought a fetal heart monitor so that when I don't feel movements we can check the heartbeat and get some peace. It has become my saving grace, just knowing that I can hear that glorious sound makes me feel at ease. Last night after having a bad day that is all I wanted is to hear that sweet sound. I laid down and Shane had the monitor, Mason (our 2 year old) came in asking "what is that?" (curious minds of a 2 year old). We both hesitated a moment and told him we were listening to the baby's heartbeat. He sat on the bed beside me and listened and of course he wanted to hold the monitor. He thinks my belly button is the portal to Aiden. Shane showed him where to put it and he listened quite intently and when he heard the sound he announced "that's Aiden's heart!" It's one of those sweet and sad moments in life. He was so excited he got to do it and figure it out. We sat there for a few minutes listening and then put it away. When we finished, Mason looked at my belly button and said "bye Aiden."
I want to share a few prayer verses that a very dear friend gave me, these are prayers that she and her family have been praying for Aiden and it is our prayers as well:
Father, you created Aiden. You formed him. you knit him inward parts in the womb. You alone know how to make what is right in his body. You alone know how to heal Aiden. As him creator, I pray that you would grant healing to Aiden. Let your power envelop him and bring the healing that is needed (Genesis 1:26; Psalm 139)
Father I ask in the name of Jesus for You to heal Aiden so that you might be glorified. Grant healing to Aiden so that people might praise You and honor you for your love, compassion, and power. (John 11:4, Acts 4:21)
Find rest, O my soul,in God alone; my Hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will be shaken. My salvation and my Honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:5-8)
Father, You are the Healer of the brokenhearted. You declare that You bind up their wounds. Because it is Your nature to heal, I ask You to heal all of my emotional wounds. By Your love and power, remove the hurt and anger that I am experiencing. Help me to move on to emotional wholeness. (Psalm 147:3)
Please continue to pray for healing of Aiden and give us Peace in God's decisions.
Sorry if I'm rambling but that is how my feelings come out right now - crazy & jumbled. Thanks for reading/listening.