Honesty & Guilt

I have been struggling on posting this or not, but I love and trust all my readers and believe I should always try to be honest.
Over the past few months, I have been told a lot that knowing and meeting Aiden was a blessing and a miracle.  I have always thought and felt that way but suddenly the last few times I have been told that I actually got a little mad and I really hate to admit it (that is where the guilt comes in) but I did.  Only because I was thinking the whole time, I would rather him be here with me than be a blessing and/or a miracle.  I hate having those thoughts but it's the natural instinct of being a mom and wanting her child with her. 
All this being said, Aiden is a blessing and a miracle and I am so glad I was blessed to be his mother, that I would not trade for anything. 
I guess the devil is trying to get in my head and I don't like it one bit.  He is the one who took Aiden from me and God is the one who graced me with Aiden's life, even if for a short time. 
Hope you don't mind the ramblings and thank you for listening!

Every good and perfect gift is from above

James 1:17

Follow Me Friday

IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://thetrendytreehouse.blogspot.com/

Top 2 Tuesday

Top 2 Tuesday...things you cant live without!

Choosing only 2 things that you could not possibly live without, is that really possible . . .

1.  MY PHONE - Like everyone else (especially mommies that are multi tasking) it would have to be my phone - LG ENV3

This is a texting phone not one for surfing the web (you can but I don't like it), but it does keep me on track with a calendar and a tip calculator. 

2.  Dior Show Iconic Mascara - Oh, how I love this mascara, my hubby and boys have long, gorgeous lashes, hubby even has to trim them because they hit his sunglasses when he blinks (can you say NOT FAIR?!?!?!) but I have short, thin lashes, so this gives them length and fullness. 

                                         

Trisomy 18 Awareness Day - March 18, 2010

Today is National Trisomy 18 Awareness Day - as many of you are aware my sweet Aiden Mathew was diagnosed at 18 weeks gestation with Trisomy 18.  He was our third son and it was devastating to learn this.  I still remember lying on that table during the ultrasound waiting to find out if it was a boy or girl, then Tina, our ultrasound tech, said like the other 2 it is very obvious it is a boy.  Immediately my mind went to the old tv sitcom - My Three Sons.  It's amazing how quickly you find out the gender and start planning everything and in the next instant Tina has a look on her face and says he isn't flexing his hands like he should.  She looked more and sent her report to my doctor and said I needed to talk with him more it was probably something that could be fixed with surgery, she was being optimistic.  That afternoon, we saw my doctor and he said he was concerned it could be something more and that the High Risk doctor who only comes to NE Louisiana once a week would be there tomorrow and he wanted to make an appointment with him.
At that appointment, they performed another ultrasound and determined it looked like Trisomy 18 and wanted to do an Amnio to find out for sure.
I had never ever thought I would be laying there or going through something like this but I was.  We received the preliminary results and then the final results, everything came back positive for Trisomy 18.  I held out hope that it would be Mosaic or Partial, because those babies had a higher rate of survival, but we would not know that until Aiden was born.
Over the next few months, life was strained, hopeful, faithful, and chaotic, I planned it like this was any other normal pregnancy with thoughts of what would I do with his room if I could not bring him home always lingering in my head.  I felt him move very little but we had a heart monitor at home so I could listen to his heartbeat every night, I loved that sweet swooshing sound. 
During the last few appointments it was determined that Aiden was not gaining weight and if he was to have any chance he needed to be born sooner than later.  My doctor was afraid I would not get to meet him and he knew how much I wanted that.  So on Nov. 6, they performed a C-section because he was breech and delivery would also put undue stress/strain on his little body.  My sweet little angel was finally allowed to come home for his final days on Dec. 2, and on Dec. 8, he went to home to Heaven.  I held him and watched him take his final breaths, it was a bitter sweet moment.
I, at least, got to meet, hold, and love my sweet Aiden, many get their wings before they are born.

Trisomy 18 does not discriminate and shows no compassion.  So please say a prayer for those families that you know and those you don't that have a child in their arms or in heaven.

For more information - Trisomy18.org or SOFT.

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;

I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.

Psalm 52:8

Geneticist Answers

I did not post about this before now but hubby and I went to see a Geneticist last week to hopefully get some answers about possible future pregnancies.  It took several months to get an appointment and once we did they sent a small book of questions that had to be answered in regards to medical history going back to our great grandparents - lots I did not know but luckily parents and their siblings did. 
We went to the appointment not knowing what to expect or what we would be doing, after waiting for an hour to go back we finally went in.  The Geneticist was very nice and asked questions, looked at our history, and created a chart of that history.  After everything was said and done, she explained that our chances had increased by 1/2 - 1 1/2 % or 1 in 164 that we would have a Trisomy baby.  This was something we already knew but hoped she would tell us something, anything. But she couldn't, there is no rhyme or reason, no secret food and/or drink that was consumer or not consumed, nothing absolutely nothing we could have done differently. 
To be honest, I really wanted her to tell me because of some medical history who I could blame, but she didn't, I wanted her to tell me I did/ate/drank something wrong, but she wouldn't, i wanted definite answers but she couldn't.  I wanted someone/something to blame but the only I can blame is the DEVIL.  The one person who wants to do anything in his power to turn us away from God, I'm not giving him that power.  God gave me my Miracle, even if for a short time, I heard his heartbeat, I felt the few kicks/moves that I could feel, I held him in my arms, and I love him for eternity.  The devil cane never take that away. 

NOW - to decide whether we want to possibly try again or possibly adopt.  Shane & I have talked even before we married about adopting, that is something we have always wanted to do but I don't know if that is now.  I explained it to Shane, it's like the devil said this is it and took Aiden from me and I want to prove him wrong knowing God will take care of things and it's not the devil who has a decision in when I'm finished.  Go ahead and say it my direction of thoughts is crazy sometimes but it's the final result that matters - right?!  God is in control and He will let us know where our path will lead. 

Anyway, that is where we are - no different than before - right now we are happy being Hunter, Mason, and Aiden's parents.

One piece of advice to give anyone who has a family member or friend that has lost a pregnancy, baby, or child please, please don't say the following:
1.  maybe it wasn't meant to be
2.  are you going to try again
3.  maybe you will get that boy/girl next time

I understand people mean well but if you only realized how much that hurts - the pregnancy, baby, or child was/is just as important to us as any other. 

He hath made His wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD

is gracious and full of compassion.

Psalm 111:4